Game of Bones - Winter is Cumming

With the finale of Game of Thrones landing this weekend, I decided it would be fitting to do a blog on the subject. Many who have followed my blog down the years will remember what made it famous (it's not famous) in the first place. So when it came to my attention that there is a parody porn version of Game of Thrones, I thought this is it, my moment, my calling. So here it is, the beautifully named Game of Bones - Winter is Cumming.

Now before I started watching the first thing I was thinking was Tyrion... will they go there? Will they put a dwarf in a porno... FIRST FUCKING CHARACTER! Not only that, we have Varys. Proper Varys though, the master of whispers.

Varys and Tyrion conniving in front of the Iron Throne, this already feels more like actual Game of Thrones than season 8. Well it would, except in this version it's not the Iron Throne... It's the Iron Bone!

Varys tells him this is a parody called Game of Bones, and muses that "I could have come up with something better", to which Tyrion responds "actually nothing will be coming up on you". Ah, classic Tyrion wit. Now Tyrion has always been smart, and he asks the obvious question:

"How could anyone come up with a porn parody filthier than the show? It's got butts, boobs, cocks, balls, and an albino dragon queen screwing."

And if ever you were looking for a tag line to give someone about Game of Thrones, porn Tyrion is on the money right there. Now we're getting into the plot, and let me tell you I'm hooked. Varys whispers a secret to Tyrion, and we learn this is a secret that's come from a character named... "Not So Littlefinger". I really want to meet Not So Littlefinger, and I really want to know the secret. And maybe soon I will find out, as Tyrion decides to "send Podrick down to the whores to find out." 

But of course, we will never find out this secret. I was so caught up in the game that I had forgotten, as Tyrion now reminds me, "this is a porn parody, at least they could show..."

Before we get into the action, and for anyone wondering as I'm sure you were, they do have an opening credits sequence. And I am truly impressed with how they have kept the style of the original.

And here it is, the logo:

Fans of the show will probably agree that it's only fitting for the first bone in the game to go to Pod the Rod. His reputation has obviously spread far and wide by now, as the whore (sorry that's actually her character name) says that she's heard he "has a cock the size of a dragon tooth". In the actual show people have been waiting years for some sort of closure on the subject of Podrick's seemingly magical sexual powers, yet in Bones we get an answer straight away. Bones one Thrones nil in my opinion. Here's Pod by the way, a true feat in casting.

The actor has him down to a tee as well. You have to give credit in these parody porns when they really get into character. Part of me wonders when they make stuff like this what their goal is, because if it's just for people to have a wank their talents really are wasted. Not that they're not talented at porn, but the parody really is good. Like they actually parody Game of Thrones quite well. They do get an IMDB page for it, more on that later though...

Now to be fair to Podrick, he does try to do Tyrion's bidding and find out about what Not So Littlefinger told Varys. He tells the whore he has a couple of questions for her, to which she replies "sure, but you can ask them with your wang, and I'll answer with the sound of slurping." You know that petition to get season 8 of Game of Thrones remade, can we get whoever wrote this to do it?

What follows is a sex scene where the actor playing Pod gloriously stays in character throughout. He finishes up on her face, stood over the whore as she lies on the bed, then mutters the exceptional line "I guess this gives new meaning to Winterfell".

Now as popular as Podrick is I think it's safe to say he's not an A list character, so it's time to bring in the heavy hitters. Introducing Robb Stark, putting together his final battle plans. Or, more accurately, playing with a couple of toy dogs and some toy knights. "Take that Lannister scum" and "beg for mercy incest king" are just a couple of his ditties. I think I'm going to really like this character.

We're introduced to Talisa, and she asks Robb whether he has a battle plan. He ponders over the idea of going to the Freys and apologising for not marrying one of his ugly daughters, as he will need their army if he is to sit on the Iron Bone. "What could possibly happen going to an insane man who hates me who owns a bunch of swords? I'm sure he'll be as cool as a white walkers dildo." Apart from the white walkers dildo line being the best thing in anything ever, I also feel like this Robb, a Robb who plays with toys rather than constructing battle plans, has more sense than the one in the show. Robb expresses his love for Talisa, to which she replies "I think it's time for the King of the North to get what he deserves down south... I mean a blowjob." I hope this scriptwriter got an Oscar. Or whatever the porn equivalent is. Robb is by far my favourite character in this, whilst he's getting sucked off he throws out lines like "are you hungry like the wolf" and "say it! Say I'm the king of the north!" I really hope he doesn't die...

If you were hoping to place this epic in the timeline of Westeros, Joffrey is currently sat on the Iron Bone. Here is Joffrey:

Played by a woman, and with no sexual scenes, quite what purpose Joffrey has in all this I couldn't say. He/she kills a slave with a crossbow off camera, but that's about it. I think the only reason he/she is there is to create tension between Cersei and Margaery. Yes, we have Cersei and Margaery, and yes, they really don't like each other. Keep that in mind, as it may or may not lead to something later...

Margaery wants to marry Joffrey, and let me tell you Cersei is not best pleased about this. Now not much actually happens in this scene, however when I was listening to Cersei speak I was thinking her accent is a bit all over the place. A couple of things she said I was like that's not... she's not scouse, is she? So I looked it up, and there is an IMDb page for this, and low and behold Cersei is a fucking scouser! 

Less Mad Queen more Fewmin Prin. Not much actually happens in this scene, I think it exists to act as a bit of a respite from the sex, but also to foreshadow some plot twists that may occur later... Speaking of plot, in the next scene we are introduced to Daenerys. And her trusty sidekick Jorah Mormont.

Yes, I wasn't sure that was meant to be Jorah either, until a later scene when they make a friendzone joke. Even in the porn version, Ser Jorah still can't get his end away with Dany. Poor guy. Here, the Mother of Dragons is admiring her offscreen Second Son army. Well, I say Mother of Dragons, but here she is of course called the MILF of Dragons. When Jorah questions how she will get this none slave army to fight for her, she claims that will be "Khal-easy". Amazing, that comedic masterpiece isn't even the greatest part of this scene. That honour goes to the dragons we are then introduced to...

The screenshot doesn't even do it justice. It's two cats actually roaming the skies. I'm assuming Viserion has already been lost to the Night King, but we haven't yet been introduced to the White Walkers (dildo joke aside). That's all about to change though...

Now, Game of Thrones is no stranger to subverting expectations, and it's parody porn counterpart has certainly followed suit. When we next find ourselves in a cave north of the wall with Jon Snow and Ygritte, you'd be forgiven for thinking we're about to witness them going at it. But that's before we get a dramatic twist. But more on that in a minute, first off here are the Wildling couple:

I could describe Jon Snow here, but I think Ygritte says it best... "Unruly hair, beard, whining... you're such a hipster Jon Snow, can you just wait one moment to buy your Mumford and Sons album so we can raid the wall." This quote is on a par with chaos is a ladder and not today. Anyway, I said Jon and Ygritte don't get it on, but that's not for lack of trying. Jon wants to raid Ygritte's wall, and she asks him to do the thing with his mouth. He wants her to call it something more sophisticated, like "pelt munching or reverse girl blow jobs". Unfortunately Ygritte is having none of it - "you blow nothing, Jon Snow". But before Jon can get down and dirty, he realises there's something outside, watching them...

Winter is here! It's our first look at a White Walker, or as they're known in Bones, a "Tight Walker". Instead of a White Walker's ice spear she has a dildo on a stick! You genuinely have to hand it to the writers here, this is next level. Instead of the Jon Snow sex scene we were expecting we get a Tight Walker getting herself off. The Night King didn't die for this.

Extra screenshot included here just because. The highs and lows of being a Tight Walker, one minute she's having an orgasm, the next she's being shot with a dragonglass arrow and shattering into a thousand tiny pieces. I'd hazard a guess that the budget for this wasn't on a level with HBO, but full marks for them trying to give us true to source plot.

Jon questions where Ygritte has been hiding her dragonglass, and she tells him there's plenty more if he wants to check out her arsenal. And this is Jon's cue to finally have his way with her. Now we go back to Jorah and the MILF of Dragons, who are being introduced to Daario Naharis. She's trying to persuade Daario she is the rightful heir, but he wants convincing. For some reason unbeknown to me, he's not sold on her dragons, and he thinks they might be knockoffs: "I once met a man with a pet dragon, he convinced me to touch it. It turned out to be his penis." 

Dany promises to convince Daario with her tongue, but Jorah disapproves of this tactic. However, Dany doesn't listen and tells him to wait outside. "What, I can't even watch? I'm seriously the most cockblocked character in all of fiction." Not sure if parody Jorah or actual Jorah here, this is gripping stuff.

After Daario has been convinced by the MILF of Dragons, we return to Kings Landing, where we unfortunately learn that tragedy has struck one of our beloved characters. A raven has arrived bearing dark tides.

I would warn people still in mourning over the Red Wedding to look away now... but this is not news about the Red Wedding. This, this is tidings of the White Wedding, a far more gruesome affair I must say. Here is the message the raven bequeathed...

"Robb Stark, Catelyn Stark, and Talisa Stark arrived to meet the Freys as planned. Once they got there he offered his uncle's hand in marriage to one of the Frey girls. Apparently Walder Frey had set in motion plans for the ultimate betrayal. Well, it looked like the wedding was going to happen. Robb and his wife, and his mother, sat and watched, and smiled, unaware of the hideous betrayal that was about to take place. But then, all of the Frey girls - over 18 of course - and all of the soldiers, and even Walder himself... Well, they all dropped their trousers. They all started jerking themselves. They started touching, and poking, and yanking themselves to climax. Semen went flying through the air, it hit Talisa over and over and over again.Then the women squirted. So many women, so much bodily fluid. It flew through the air and it covered Robb. It was a lethal bukkake, they drowned in the flood of crotch juices. And with that much semen, it was indeed a white wedding."

Genuinely one of the greatest scenes ever put to film. George R R Martin himself would have been proud of that writing, and it puts Benioff and Weiss to shame. RIP Robb and Talisa. Also, major props to this guy, whose only appearance in the entire 1hr 50m of this film (yes, it goes on for fucking 1hr and 50m) is to pull this face as he starts the bukkake murder at the White Wedding:

Remember how Cersei and Margaery didn't get on? Well, true to character, all this talk of Stark murder has made Cersei extremely horny, and she's willing to put those differences aside for her (and our) pleasure. And this is how the epic that is Game of Bones concludes, with Cersei sat on the Iron Bone lezzing off. A fitting end I must say, and probably a more satisfying end (no pun intended) to the one we're actually going to get.

Now, after going through nearly two hours of Game of Thrones parody porn, I could quite easily end the blog here. But there is one final twist in the tale... Game of Bones has a sequel! Game of Bones 2: Winter Came Everywhere. I once posted a parody porn blog on here in which I made a statement about a screenshot, a screenshot of ET looking down on himself getting a blow job (genuinely as funny as it sounds) and said it was the greatest screenshot ever taken. But in Game of Bones 2, I actually think that has been surpassed. With this:

Meet Drogon! Bones 2 is much shorter, it's pretty much a one scene film lasting around half an hour. But they really did go full parody porn in it. I could probably do a whole blog on it, but if anyone actually read this one and they've got this far you're probably thinking just put it to bed already. But like they genuinely went full parody porn, they even ditched the real names of characters in favour of these glorious versions:

The main portion of the film is made up of Daenaked and Jon Blow having sex on Drogon's back, and that thing they have as Drogon moves it's head and tail around it's mad. And the kicker at the end is that the Night King was watching the whole time knocking one out. Sorry, not the Night King, the White Wankerking. Again, as far as screenshots go, this one is up there:

Absolute next level for a porno. AJ, the actor playing the White Wankerking, got to appear on the back of a CGI dragon then stand wanking for a few seconds, and for that he got a credit. What a guy. Tormund (Whoremund) can be seen at the start of the film on the wall talking to who I believe to be Melisandre, although she is uncredited. 

This scene contains some fantastic dialogue, in which Whoremund discovers the wall is covered in a layer of ejaculate, and we find out about it's history: "All the lonely men, standing here for years at a time with nothing to do but polish their swords. This wall was tiny before the sworn step-brothers of the Night's Watch started cumming on it." Makes far more sense than GRRM's version. Then, quite oddly, we get some political satire. I'm not sure if that's usual in porn parodies, but it happens here. "I remember the Mad King promising his followers that the Wildlings would pay for the wall, but we did not!" To which Melisandre replies "and it quickly became a symbol for White Walker nationalism, he said it wasn't, but it was." The whole exchange is concluded by Whoremund, who exclaims "the Mad King is a lying sack of shit, I would never stay at a Targaryen hotel." Make of that what you will. Of course, politics isn't the only subject they have a pop at. Interestingly, and more relevantly, they have a dig at Game of Thrones itself. Melisandre tells us "I'm going to be part of one of the many other plots you may have invested all your emotions in, but will mean nothing soon because zombies." So on point. You might say Game of Bones predicted Game of Thrones. This rather extraordinary scene ends with Whoremund doing his bit to grow the wall, as he masturbates to a cartoon of himself and Brienne of Tarth.

The other scene in this movie is a play on Littlefinger's trial. Or as he's known here, Bigfinger. In a sentence I never thought I'd write, Aryola uses her faceless man skills to turn into a dildo that is first of all used by Sucksa to masturbate before it is turned on Bigfinger and stabs him in the "Podrick". Again a feat of special effects:

Two films, two and a half hours, the Game of Bones saga really has been an epic journey. To finish, I will leave with the final shot of Game of Bones, one I can only hope the series itself can match. The Whitewankerking hiding behind a wall masturbating whilst holding an ice spear dildo.

@adamheath