Celebrity Big Brother

First of all, I just can't believe this still happens. They still make programmes like this, and people actually still watch them. Just in general, any show that involves celebrities and public votes, surely this should have stopped by now. Do people still actually call in to vote for people? Pay for a phone call to vote for someone to stay on or leave a TV show? If they do they need to have a serious word with themselves. If a member of my own family was on a TV show and they wanted me to vote for them I wouldn't even do that just out of principle. 

But anyway, I saw that Celebrity Big Brother was on last night just by chance, and there really wasn't anything else on so I thought I'd watch it as it might provide something decent to terror. It didn't disappoint, and that's where this blog comes in. However, it's not the same as when I was talking about the Extreme Railways show, in fact I'd even give the internet porn I talked about in a blog more credit than this. This is just utter garbage television that I can't believe still attracts viewers.

So... The show started last night, and I think they thought the reveal of the host was a massive surprise or something, because they held off on it for ages and even gave it like a little drum roll. But it was, of course, Emma Willis, because that's just like what she does. They still gave her this entrance from behind a curtain like she was fucking Elvis or something though 

There's a Davina McCall clone in my jap's eye

We can see straight away that the format of the show is going to be exactly the same as it has been for the past decade, and you know how I was saying before I couldn't believe people still watch this, even worse is the fact people still actually go and stand outside to be there for it. Look they made banners...

It does not surprise me that one of them is called Chanel

Emma Willis is just a proper Davina copy you know, it's like they've had her in training just to do this. She bores us to death with her tour of the house though. She even has to ask the crowd to cheer and that. Bad news on the opening night. A lot of the time they just do like them "wooooo" sounds that you get on 90s gameshows when they reveal the prizes as well. Emma's buzzing off the fact there's a toilet in jail, because that means they can stay longer in jail. I swear they long ago ran out of ideas on this you know. Throwing them in jail and that, I think they'd just make The Hunger Games if they were allowed. To be fair we're probably not far from that in terms of television in this country. Instead of allowing people to be creative and come up with new television shows, they just take anything and throw celebrities into it. And celebrities will do anything for money.

Speaking of which, I'll cut straight to the housemates... The first of which, is good old Jim Davidson. And you know what I was saying about anything for money? Well in Jim's introductory VT, he uses the fact he was arrested as part of Operation Yewtree to justify his celebrity status. What the fuck? It's like he's saying "well only celebrities were arrested as part of Operation Yewtree, therefore you have to believe I am one." He even uses his arrest as an excuse to why he wasn't on the show a year earlier.

Sorry I'm a year late, I was busy noncing Matilda with Rolf Harris

The scary thing is, Channel 5 were going to sign him up for Celebrity Big Brother, then he got arrested for being a nonce, then Channel 5 decided to sign him up again. Only in this country would the 'famous' part of the term 'famous paedophile' be the most important part. It's like that bit from Pirates of The Caribbean, like someone's gone to Jim Davidson "I've heard of you, you're that paedophile" and he's gone "ah, but you have heard of me". What is going on. He even repeats the fact he's a year late when they bring him onto the stage, like Yewtree is his big selling point. Snooker Loopy. 

Sound editing by me that like

The next person into the house I can't even be arsed talking about. It's one of them Nolan's. They're like rent a celeb them, turn up on everything. The only thing is we find out now the housemates are to handcuffed to someone else when they enter the house. And would you believe it, the Nolan is marketing herself as someone who hates male, chauvinistic pigs (she's aiming for the feminist vote) and she's going to be handcuffed to Jim Davidson who is, as well as a nonce, also well known for being chauvinistic, a pig, and indeed, male. Fun. 

The next person in the house is a cunt. Bit harsh that like, it's actually Dappy. He's a bit of a wrongun though. After Tulisa made a tit of herself on telly, if Dappy comes out of this badly N-Dubz will probably go down as the biggest group of bellends ever. 

That fusey is worse than the hat he used to wear

I proper hate the little promotional videos they did for each housemate, it's just them acting up as best they can to create a character to get them publicity. Dappy was just chatting wham, but the bird after him was a joke.

Liz Jones is a columnist. That's not even a celebrity. Who's blurred the lines between media and who's in the media? Oh yeah, the fucking media have. This is seen in her opening video where she basically just says all the stuff she knows people will consider controversial. Again, just acting to get more publicity. Fair play to Dappy, because she thought he'd be proper intimidated by her and he just wasn't arsed. But saying that you can't be when you're wearing a suit like this...

Please notice me

The one on the right is Liz Jones, but I'm sure you all know that with her being dead famous and everything... I'm still just fuming about her slating my Rihanna to be honest. At least she has a Wikipedia page though, unlike Jasmine Waltz who's one of the other housemates. It should be a general rule that you can't be considered for Celebrity Big Brother if you don't have a Wikipedia page, because that would tell you that the general public has not heard of this person. Jasmine Waltz does have a porno, but I talk about stuff like that in other blogs... 

Next in is Sam Faiers, who's famous for being famous. You wouldn't know she was once with Joey Essex if she hadn't mentioned it one or ten times in her opening video. They all have a proper obsession with justifying their fame, but I think Jim Davidson's paedophilia was a more convincing argument than her "once with Joey Essex" one. On a side note, whilst we're talking about Joey Essex and paedophilia (yes I have just made a genuine side note on them topics) how are people like her and Joey Essex famous? I heard someone on the radio a while back call in and say she'd been queuing for three hours so her twelve year old daughter could meet Joey Essex. If I could have spoke to that woman I would have said what's wrong with you, the only reason your daughter likes him is because she wants to have sex with him. And she's twelve. Because lets be honest, what else has he done to make people like him and want to meet him? Absolutely nothing. Just something wrong with modern society. Anyway, back to Sam...

 You can tell the angle she's going for straight away. "I'm 100% single". I've translated this into what she's actually saying, "If you keep me in the house I might have sex." That's all it is. That's a major part of celebrity culture in a nutshell, I might have sex on telly. The magazines love it. With programmes like Celebrity Big Brother the gossip magazine's are just writing about unfolding stories that everyone can see in front of their eyes anyway. I honestly don't know why people still go along with this celebrity culture.

Anyway she's definitely going for this sex angle because Emma points out the fact again that she's single. Add to that the fact her outfit shows off her knickers and you can pretty much read it like a book

For the lads

She's not even that nice. They've cuffed her to her to the bird who has a porno, thus completing the pair who will probably have sex on telly for a bit of publicity. 

Speaking of doing anything for publicity, the next one in is Lee Ryan from Blue. Straight off you can see the angle he's going for, the thick cunt angle. Like Blue have been around for years, and they used to be on SMTV live and everything back in the day, and I'm sure he wasn't like this. He's definitely putting it on. I reckon he's watched Joey Essex on I'm a Celeb and thought you know what, birds love that so I'm gonna model meself on him. How bad is it if you're modelling yourself on Joey Essex. I guarantee he'll start coming out with some proper stupid shit in the next few days like "I can't put me own socks on" or something just to try and be like him. He already says straight away though that Blue are the best band in the world, so to be honest he can already be considered thicker than Joey Essex, and that kid can't blow his nose. Honestly though, if you watch Lee Ryan's opening VT and think any of that is genuine it's you who's the thick one. Shocking telly.

Anyway, it was at this point that I got fed up. As I've already said I hate shows like this so it was killing me to watch it, and also Drive was starting on BBC and everyone knows Gosling is the boy. But there was just a few thoughts I had whilst watching, let me know what you think...

@adamheath