Internet Porn Adverts

We've all been there... well some of us have... well probably just me. You've had a tough day, you've gone on to your favourite porn website, you're in a milf mood so you throw on a classic Lisa Ann, then... BOOM!... "Shag a granny in your area" accompanied by a picture of a woman with a face like a melted candle and a fanny that looks like Santa Claus got trapped in it twenty years ago and died. Yes, the world of internet porn adverts. Or as they're otherwise known, the place where boners go to die.

Before I start I'd just like to point out that these are all genuine adverts that appear on porn websites, no searching is done to find these. They're just there. And you just have to be there. I've done some extensive research for this blog, and like with my previous porn blogs, it was hard work. No pun intended. Though how in the past I have delved into the mysterious depths of the internet and revealed some of the strangest secrets it holds, at least with things like the ET porn you actively have to be seeking that sort of shit.  These adverts, they aren't voluntary, they just appear. Imagine having a wank and then all of a sudden one of your favourite animated movies is ruined.

Yep, the keen eyed amongst you will notice the mum from The Incredibles there. She's ripped her top and she's cheating on her husband. Great. That's not even the worst one there though. Are there actually people who want to see 3D teen get pounded in the middle there? 3D Purple Aki will fucking destroy her. And I don't mean to be toon racist, but Toon Pussy looks like she might be going against her toon religion when she gets slammed.

This cartoon porn thing though, apparently there is a market for it. And if you think that Incredibles one is the worst they could do I've got one word for you... Tangled. No I know a lot of people love Tangled, but I have to share this just because the face of Flynn here is priceless 

And the best thing about this is that whilst writing this blog I had a discussion with some of my mates as I couldn't decide whether or not that was actually Tangled or if it was Frozen. Possibly the best conversation ever. 

And if you're planning on watching American Dad before going to bed tonight, just remember... Roger once stuck a fluorescent dildo in Francine's arse whilst she was riding Stan

And who knew Superman had a rape streak? Well it's either that or he may have just stuck it in a kryponite vagina. Who sees cartoons and thinks this would be better with sex? I've only ever found one cartoon character attractive and that was Jessica Rabbit, but that wasn't in a sexual way. I read on the internet once that there's a scene in Who Framed Roger Rabbit where you can see her fanny and someone claimed to have a screenshot of it. Who sits there watching Who Framed Roger Rabbit trying to pause at the exact moment some animated flaps are on show like it's fucking Basic Instinct? Oh yeah, it was me. 

These people who are into shit like that cartoon sex, you must think how do them weirdos ever find a partner? Well apparently the porno advertisers have also thought of that. Obviously, regular social media and dating sites isn't going to find them anyone as fucked up as themselves, so they need something better...

Better than Tinder mate. Now that advert was actually a gif, but I managed to catch it at both ends of the spectrum because I thought it was hilarious. The kid has a little boner, the bird pulls her skirt down and looks at him, then all of a sudden he has a third arm. Skipped leg day, replaced it with cock day. The best thing about that is that someone actually made that animation. Imagine how they felt when that request landed on their desk. "We need a cartoon, fella with a little erection standing behind a woman, woman lowers skirt, becomes a big erection." "How big is the big erection?" "Erm... just bigger than anything you've seen on Tinder, this adverts for something better." Je Suis Better Than Tinder. 

Tinder's not the only one having it's market decimated by these ruthless advertising campaigns. Snapchat is on it's way out and all

Yeerrr that's it, fuck off Snapchat! See you later you cunt! Wait... Fuck off Snapchat is a question? What sort of question is that? Is this an advert for the real Snapchat? I hope it is, "snap and fuck" would be a great slogan for them. No B.S.

Of course, if you're happy with your current communication apps, you could always just pay someone to Whatsapp you

That font wins. And with all the capitalisation I just can't ignore. I reckon that girl had no say in her picture being used for that advert by the way. I reckon they just found her on Facebook and used the picture under the assumption that she will never see it. Maybe she will only find out about it after she reads this blog, who knows. 

Speaking of Facebook, I didn't even realise they had this new feature

The two funny things about this advert: The way they try and make it seem like a regular inbox on Facebook as if it's going to deceive you into clicking it, and the way they localise it to you to make you think it's more legitimate. She deffo lives 3.4 miles away from me her I've seen her out down South Road, and she wants to meet me and can see that I'm close. Wow, and them two question marks at the end have really sealed the deal, what am I waiting for. 

The localisation thing is brilliant, especially when they just can't quite pinpoint exactly where you are. Like this one here 

I'm not going all the way to Morecambe for a date girl! Morecambe though. I reckon they try and pick somewhere random as well to make it seem legitimate. And lets face it, that girl in the picture has never even heard of Morecambe. She's just a girl who never had a dad like Liam Neeson.

You could get worse requests than a date in Morecambe though I suppose, I mean...

Like seriously though, can someone call the Samaritans, or Help The Aged, or just someone who will be able to help this woman. She must be getting abused if there's a picture of her dressed like that on the internet. "Sent from my typewriter" it should say at the end of that. "We could fuck in my place, or if..." what was the next line? "Or if the care home staff won't let you in we can have phone sex"?

Again, I ask the question who is into this sort of stuff. Because someone has to be for them to be advertising it. I think after all these requests I've been getting though I've made my choice which lovely offer I'm going to reply to...

Tranny Sex Chat. Like it's a thing. I think I'd know if we were neighbours to be honest, because 6 foot women with deep voices and strong jawline's tend to stand out in my area. 

That tranny has definitely clicked on an advert like this before:

Imagine you're about to have a wank and that appears. #RIPboner. I love the way they give you size options there. Option one is for Asians, option two is for everyone else, and option three is for the man who's too fucking greedy and should be happy with what he's got. Has a bird ever turned round to someone with a 10 inch penis and gone "you could do with four more inches you know."

Well to be honest, judging by the size difference between the two sexual partners in this next advert, the girl in this might have said something along them lines before

Je Suis Ugly Girls Love This Site. It just gets weirder doesn't it. That's art that though. What's with the ugly girls thing as well? Are there people out there looking for that sort of thing? What about those people who are looking for ugly girls, but... and it's a big but(t)... they have to be horny as well...

Oh my god they've cornered the market! It's a bit harsh to call them birds ugly though I reckon. I was actually wondering when I seen that whether the ugly part was aimed at you, like it's going are you so ugly that you can't get a girl and that's why you're horny and watching porn? Well click here and we've got someone for you. Actually, that's probably exactly what it's saying isn't it. Even without saying it, that's what all internet porn adverts are saying. You wouldn't be reading them otherwise.

Still though, if you are ugly, you don't have to feel too bad. There's some people out there who will find you attractive. I mean, there's got to be a girl out there who'll have sex with you if they're willing to have sex with... a fucking werewolf! 

Like I said before, it just gets weirder. And to be honest, I don't think we want to get any weirder than that, so I'm going to leave it there for this blog. 

Just one more thing though. There was one advert I did see whilst doing my erm... research for this blog that got my attention... There's a new Kim Kardashian parody porn!

I, the self proclaimed Robert Langdon of The Monster Energy Code, may just have to return to my quest, and delve once again into the deep dark places of the internet, and armed with a new parody porn, there may just be another blog coming soon...

What the fuck have I just written

@adamheath

Steven Gerrard

I've never been sad when a player leaves. I support Liverpool Football Club and the club is bigger than any player and will live on. I don't see the link between all the great things Gerrard did and being sad at him leaving now, because we will still have all them great things to remember. I don't think we should currently be embroiled in an argument about letting Gerrard go, and people campaigning against the club for letting it happen. In the long run, when you think about it, who would that benefit? If Gerrard turns round and changes his mind because of everything being said by the fans and the pundits, will that really benefit the club going forward?

That being said, we should still be reminiscing about all the great times we had, without arguing that they're a reason for Gerrard to carry on playing for Liverpool. In the 18 years I've had my season ticket Steven Gerrard has been one of the best players throughout nearly all of them, a rare achievement in the modern game. I was there when he made his debut as a fresh faced substitute, I was there when he left Barthez stranded with a 30 yard screamer, the day he bagged a beauty against Olympiakos, and the last day of the season in 03/04 when he got a standing ovation every time he came anywhere near the stands because he was brilliant and everyone else in the team was turd.

Over the past few days I have seen a lot of people say Gerrard is the best Liverpool player ever. To me, whether or not he was really depends on how you word the question and what angle you take when answering it. I saw a newspaper ask the question is Gerrard Liverpool's best ever midfielder? If we're talking centre midfield then for me the answer is, quite simply, no. Even in the time Gerrard has played for Liverpool there has been better. Xabi Alonso was a better centre midfielder than Steven Gerrard. There's often an argument that in Gerrard's time at Liverpool he has been so good because he has played in poor teams. This may be the case, but he has never had a shortage of great centre midfielders around him. Gary McCallister and Didi Hamann in the early years, Hamann and Xabi Alonso, Momo Sissoko, or Alonso and Javier Mascherano. And often when two of these other players have been available Gerrard has had to vacate the central midfield role, for example in treble season or the season we finished 2nd in 08/09.

However, for me, this is what defines Steven Gerrard as such a great player. The times he has been asked to play out of position. See, the likes of Xabi Alonso, Didi Hamann and Javier Mascherano might be great central midfielders, but you would never be able to ask them to play right wing in a UEFA Cup Final, or right back to close out a Champions League Final. You could never move them to right midfield, like Gerrard in the 05/06 season, and expect them to score 23 goals. You couldn't ask them to play as a second striker to Fernando Torres, like Gerrard in the 08/09 season, when at the age of 28 he became a revelation in this new position scoring 24 goals and drove Liverpool to 2nd place in the league. And finally, in 13/14 when Gerrard was asked to play as the lone defensive midfielder and again guided us to 2nd place.

Steven Gerrard has often been called a victim of his own brilliance, because he has been asked to play in these unfavoured roles. But for me, this is what defines his brilliance. Last ditch tackles as a right back in extra time in Istanbul, to stop Serginho getting the ball in the box. Becoming half of one of Liverpool's greatest ever strike partnerships when he's not even a striker. This is why Steven Gerrard has gone from being one of Liverpool's greatest ever midfielders, to possibly being Liverpool's greatest ever player. Do I think that Gerrard is Liverpool's greatest ever player? I'll tell you that in 20 years.

All the best, Captain.

@adamheath