Molly's Wrecking Ballz

Once upon a time I went on a journey into the dark, underground realm of parody pornography. I did this entirely for blogging purposes of course... and what followed was a critique of some of the strangest videos I'd seen on the internet; Katy Perry and Elmo, and the legendary ET Porns Home (http://lfcadam.blogspot.co.uk/2013/01/internet-porn.html).

To be honest, this isn't a genre I ever intended to return to. My blog has moved on since then, I have moved on since then... But that was until I came across this little gem. A Miley Cyrus porn parody. It's not the premise of the movie that drew me in, but the name itself: Molly's Wrecking Ballz. Brilliant.

Like with all good parody pornos, they don't name the victim, they just use a clever title to give it away. It's also quite obvious who it's about, and Miley's not the only celebrity who features in the video...

I'll just point out that I've only seen the trailer for this, you have to pay for the full video, and I'm not that high up in the erotic movie reviewing ladder to be sent a preliminary copy.

But anyway, from the start of the trailer I was quite impressed by the attention to detail. Get on their Miley, they've given her the haircut and they've got her doing the tongue thing.

If you wanted to see what Miley Cyrus looked like having sex (which now I think about it is probably the reason people would watch this movie) then this wouldn't be far off. Like the last blog I wrote on this subject though it does make me think how she got the role. Did the porn career come first or was she just a lookalike who's life took a turn?

The attention to detail is excellent. Fair play to the girl, she's got that Miley facial expression nailed on. She's a good Miley but I'm not happy with that sub standard couch. There's only one true couch in porn and that's the casting couch. How dare it stand where he stood.

They don't tell you this in the trailer, but the lad in the first scene there is supposed to be Liam Hemsworth. It looks a bit like him I suppose. However, in the next part, we get a bit of lesbian action and I genuinely could not tell who the other bird was meant to be. So, I looked it up, and ladies and gentlemen, I give you... Beyonce

All the single ladies

I agree. Terrible. They aren't suggesting Beyonce has a big black schlong by the way. That's a strap on, just to clarify. 

It's not hard to guess who this is in the next scene though

Say Beetlejuice three times and Miley gets fucked

No it's not Beetlejuice, it's Robin Thicke. Again, the attention to detail is fantastic, Miley's even got the big foam finger. If you were watching this for the usual purposes that one might watch porn, you'd probably be a bit disappointed with the realism. Because to be fair the person who's come up with this hasn't had to do much thinking, it's what we all thought probably happened after seeing that performance at the VMA's. And porn's supposed to be a bit more fantasy than reality. So yeah.

Robin Thicke's not so thick dick cums all over Miley's head. 

The hair is spot on, she's got the facial expression, the tongue's out, and she manages to throw the two fingers up, all whilst being ejaculated on. This girl is the consummate professional.

In the last scene Miley has a go on someone who I believe to be Justin Bieber. In a limo. I suppose if I want to find out how Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber ended up in a limo together having sex I'd have to buy the full movie. So good job trailer man for leaving me wanting more (not really) (really). 

Here's Justin not really looking anything like the real Justin.

You know, they worked so hard on casting an excellent Miley in this, and she worked so hard on nailing all of Miley's characteristics, that I actually feel a bit like they let her down with the casting of her partners. Particularly Beyonce, it's like they've just measured her skin colour on a Dulux paint chart and gone "she'll do". Porn is supposed to give you unrealistic expectations of women, not ruin them!

Justin never takes his sunglasses off the entire time they're having sex, just in case you were wondering. As a side not, limo sex doesn't work for me because I always just think of this guy from Hot Shots

Twerk it with your mouth

Anyway, it's only a two minute trailer, and that's the last scene. Sure you'll all be rushing out to watch the full movie after reading this though. My advice would be to stick to Elmo and ET, the comedy value is a lot better. If anyone actually managed to read this well done and nice one for that. Peace. 

@adamheath

Just Some Thoughts...

May Elections

Recently we've been getting all the usual stuff through the door from all the political parties trying to convince us to vote for them in the local elections. I haven't looked at any of them. None of it matters to me, my days of caring about politics were pretty much left in uni. I should care really, but they give me nothing to care about. I probably won't vote, and I imagine there's a lot of people who feel the same. All I'm going to say is, if you don't want to vote in the local elections, or even in the general elections next year, don't get pressured into doing it by the vote or die brigade.

There will be people telling you that not voting is a disgrace as we're privileged in this country to have a say in who is in power. People fought for your right to vote, The Suffragettes suffraged for your right to vote. Well they didn't do all that for what we have today, I'm tellin' ya. It's like on the episode of South Park when they have to vote between a giant douche and a turd sandwich. When they're the only options what's the point? I think both the main political parties are shit. Personally I feel all the others are shit as well, but if you wanted to vote for one of them your vote would be wasted anyway due to our electoral system. That's not democracy. And remember, if someone's trying to pressure you into voting using the things I've said above, just step back for a minute and think about why they're doing that. It's most likely because they want you to vote for them or vote the same way as them. Bloody politics.

School Teacher Stabbed to Death

First of all let me say that this is a horrendous crime. But like with all horrendous crimes committed by minors, the media are trying to find blame. And straight away they've gone for the textbook of reasons behind child crimes and started ticking them off on a list. So far they've blamed the music the boy listened to and the video games he played. What does this have to do with anything? Jack the ripper was running around London butchering prostitutes long before Grand Theft Auto and iTunes. In fact, I'm sure the world was a lot more dangerous back then before these things came along.

Obviously, what caused the boy to commit such an atrocity does have to be examined, but personally I feel they are looking in all the wrong places. It's like Patricia J. Williams said about Tawana Brawley, "she has been the victim of some unspeakable crime. No matter how she got there. No matter who did it to her and even if she did it to herself." The point I'm trying to make is, the boy will rightfully be punished for the terrible thing that he has done, but you're not getting to the source of the problem. He will suffer for his crime, but we need to discover who committed the crime on him, and personally I don't think it was Rockstar Games or a heavy metal band. Society as a whole must be held accountable, so we can prevent something like this from happening again.

@adamheath 

Football, Life and Death

"Some people believe football is a matter of life and death, I am very disappointed with that attitude. I can assure you it is much, much more important than that."

One thing I find very disappointing is when people misinterpret Bill Shankly's famous 'life and death' quote. They suggest that there is some sort of twisted, morbid irony that it was a former Liverpool manager who said this, when Liverpool would go on to be involved in the Hillsborough disaster in 1989. As if, somehow, Bill Shankly was proved wrong.

On September 12th 2012, a report compiled by an independent panel revealed that there had been a police cover up regarding the disaster, and the supporters involved were completely exonerated of any blame. 

On the day this was announced I thought about the great man Bill Shankly, by far the most important figure in Liverpool Football Club's history - not just for what he achieved on the pitch, but for what he did off it for the mentality of the people of Liverpool, restoring their pride in their city, in themselves...

I couldn't believe that 31 years after his death, something he said could still be so profound. More profound than ever, in fact. For it was not lawyers, or journalists, or government officials who had forced this state cover up, this government scandal, this huge miscarriage of justice to become public. It was football fans - Liverpool and Everton and from further afield - united in the fight for one goal - The truth.

This is why, in the 1980s, Margaret Thatcher tried to put an end to football. She knew how powerful thousands of like minded people united could be. Ironically, it was a Tory government, her heirs, who were in power to bare the brunt of this shame. As a campaign led by football fans forced an official apology in Parliament, 23 years after the event.

Last weekend, football fans from around the globe remembered the 96 victims of the Hillsborough disaster, and showed their support to the continuing fight for justice.

Today, thousands of people will gather not at a church, or a cathedral, but at another type of holy ground - Anfield, a football stadium - to pay their respects to those who lost their lives at Hillsborough. As they have done every year on April 15th since that horrible day in 1989.

So, is football a matter of life and death? I can assure you it is much, much more important than that.

In memory of the 96. You'll never walk alone.

Anfield

Manchester City

Wembley

Sheffield Wednesday

Bristol Rovers

Stoke City

Philadelphia

Inter Milan

Charlton Athletic

Ajax Amsterdam

Manchester United

@adamheath

United...

Watching that circus of a club from down the East Lancs makes me realise how thankful I am that I was born and raised a Liverpool fan.

When Moyes was appointed, the mancs were on their high horse making comments about how "we're not a sacking club" and how they'd give him time no matter how bad things got. These were snide, back handed remarks about how Liverpool have been in their times of struggle over the years.

Comments made with arrogance, born out of a sense of entitlement their fans have from years of control and protection provided by Alex Ferguson. They never expected things would actually turn bad.

Now, only seven months into his first season, and they're already resorting to embarrassing measures to get the manager sacked, and looking on enviously at how Liverpool dealt with their problems in the past.

At times, things were bad for Liverpool. Real bad. But no matter how bad things got, we never had to fly a plane over the ground to get our message across.

No matter who the owners were, or who the manager was, no one has been able to stop Liverpool fans voicing their opinions inside Anfield. It doesn't matter who's name is on the papers, the fans own the club.

At Old Trafford there is a dictatorship, and their fans are starting to realise this. It must be frightening seeing the lack of control they have over the club when looking to the future. They can't even take banners into the ground to protest the manager.

For United fans, it's time to get down off that high horse. You may not be a sacking club yet, but you want to be. You've already embarrassed yourselves. You've been protected all these years and now you can't face life without Ferguson, and Ferguson's players won't play for the new manager. It's the Damned United.

You can only dream that you had a real club and real supporters like Liverpool. We sing You'll Never Walk Alone, and we also live by it. We took your insults, the same way we took everything else that's been thrown at us over the years, and we're still here.

And this may be the most "#LFCFamily" thing I ever post to the internet but I don't care it needed to be said. Thanks for reading.

@adamheath 

Flight MH370

I'm not usually one for serious blogs. To be honest, a lot of people will see this one as not being serious. It will be seen by some as a stupid conspiracy, a tin foil hat moment. But what I'm going to do is just show some of my opinions about what really happened to that plane. It's mostly just linking different news stories to make one narrative. Some may believe it, some may not. The thing is, today the Malaysian prime minister held a press conference to announce that the authorities "assume" the flight "ended" in the Southern Indian Ocean, after telling the families of 239 people their relatives are dead beyond doubt based on evidence that doesn't yet exist. So you may think what I say here is far fetched, but everything about this story to date has been out of the ordinary. So lets get started...

I don't believe that Malaysian Airlines flight MH370 crashed in the southern Indian Ocean as is being reported. I believe that the plane was redirected from it's original course and was landed at the United States air base on the Diego Garcia Atoll. The reasons why this happened are uncertain, but it has been pointed out that a suspicious package was on the plane. Like I said, a lot of this is just putting together different stories into one narrative, and this starts with the package on board flight MH370 being traced back to the US flagged cargo ship the Maersk Alabama. Whatever was on board was removed in the Seychelles, but suspicions about the nature of the cargo arose when it was reported the two ex Navy Seals who were guarding it were later found dead:

The package itself continued it's journey from the Seychelles to Kuala Lumpur on board an Emirates flight, and then was later loaded on to MH370 to continue it's journey to China. What this item was or why it was being sent to China is unknown, but we do know that it never made it. I would accept at this point that evidence is limited to show that such cargo ever existed, but it is interesting to note that not long after the suspicious package theory became known on the internet new information was leaked to the mainstream media stating that the plane was in fact carrying a consignment of lithium ion batteries:

This story is a clever diversion, because recently the new Boeing Dreamliner aircraft has had a known issue with lithium ion batteries causing fires on board, but the difference with the Dreamliner is that it actually uses the batteries to power the plane. So here we get an explanation for what the cargo was, and the fact it's linked with previous issues with Boeing aircraft it is now sufficient evidence for cargo being described as "suspicious". This isn't the only time a not very convincing argument has been used to counter a theory though. 

Rather than batteries, I would suggest the package on board was of a chemical or biological nature, and the reason it was transported to Diego Garcia was for quarantine reasons. It has been speculated that disease experts from America and China were sent to Diego Garcia in the days following the disappearance of flight MH370, but finding evidence of this is almost impossible. The original story is believed to have come from Russian intelligence, however.

Interestingly enough, on March 8th, the day the MH370 first disappeared, Diego Garcia announced there would be no flights to or from the base for 72 hours. As if they knew something was about to happen there:

If we move away from the why and look at the how instead, this is just as big a mystery. How a plane could disappear is a strange one, and it's hard to see how there hasn't been foul play at some point. But I don't think it would be possible for someone on board the plane to do this without help. It's taken either expert skill or expert technology to do this. The thing is, the official story now states that the plane definitely turned and headed to the Indian Ocean, and even if it managed to avoid Malaysian detection systems it would not be able to avoid Diego Garcia, because as a top secret American military base of course they would know everything that's going on in that part of the world. If the flight had crashed where official sources say it did, surely Australia would have known about it anyway? The only way to avoid their radar would have been to fly extremely low, but whether 239 people on board would not have questioned what was going on if they followed the flight path suggested by officials I'm not sure. 

Someone on board the plane had to switch the plane's transponder system off. After this was done, I believe to get across Malaysia and into the Indian Ocean it could have done what's been dubbed the piggyback theory. It closely followed another plane so it would not be detected by radar. As MH370's transponder was turned off it would have been able to get extremely close to another plane without being detected. On the ground, they would only see one dot on radar, and would never expect MH370 was tailing the other plane as they would see one plane on radar and one plane emitting from it's transponder.

After safely crossing Malaysia and entering the Indian Ocean, the plane would then be able to continue it's journey to Diego Garcia undetected by dropping down to a sufficiently low altitude. Information that was sent from the aircraft's engines did show that it made a descent that could have been 40,000ft in just a minute. This is impossible, but maybe it did make a fairly rapid descent at this point. And even if it wasn't a quick descent, it would have had a fair bit of time to get down, for the simple reason that people would not be looking for it. It's last known location was in the other direction and it was supposed to be on an entirely different flight path. Again, why this wouldn't arouse the suspicions of those on board I can't say. What is interesting though is that this engine data that was transmitted was originally dismissed by the authorities investigating because it was deemed inaccurate, but now it is pretty much the basis for where they believe the crash site to be. 

It's a well known fact that a plane can fly "under the radar" so to speak, and it has been reported that residents of a southern island of the Maldives claim to have seen the plane fly past at a low altitude at around 6:15am local time (a time that fits in perfectly with how long it would have taken the plane to get there). Not only does the time match, but also the location, with the Maldives being near Diego Garcia. The claims of sightings from Maldives residents were dismissed because the Maldives' military said they had no trace of the plane on their radar. But neither does anyone else. If the plane was flying low they could have easily missed it on radar, and being such a remote location it's not something that would likely to be being looked for. The people who saw the plane claimed they could make out the doors it was flying so low, and it's something they've not seen before so they'd struggle to make this up. 

Again, limited evidence has been used to completely dismiss a valid theory. So from what we've gathered so far we can take a guess at why the flight disappeared - due to suspicious cargo that was on board. Who was behind it - the Americans and possibly the Chinese. How it got to it's destination of Diego Garcia and what methods it could have used to avoid detection. The last big question is who was on board to turn off the detection system such as the transponder? Well I would suggest that if any one on board the plane was involved in a larger plan, it was the pilot. A pilot who had trained on his home flight simulator to land a flight on Diego Garcia.

And why was this flight chosen? Well the distance the plane would have travelled to get to Diego Garcia, if you take into account how far it had already travelled when it disappeared from radar, is almost exactly the same as the original flight distance of Malaysia to China. The plane was carrying the perfect amount of fuel for the journey, and the flight time would have aroused little suspicion from passengers. What happened after the plane reached it's destination is unknown. But in my opinion, if we take the official story about what happened then the story of flight MH370 still remains unknown to the masses. But if the right people don't want us to know about the wrong thing then we will never find out. Diego Garcia itself is no stranger to hiding secrets... 

Of course, if someone can make a plane disappear, they can just as easily make it reappear. I'm quite sure that in a few weeks, or maybe months, the debris from the plane will turn up. It will either be flown then slammed into the ocean in the general area of were it's supposed to of crashed, or alternatively some well selected parts will just be dumped into the ocean to be found like the jewel off the end of Titanic. The black boxes that would hold the truth to what happened will never be found though.

Anyway, I've spent too long writing this and to be honest I don't know why I'm staying up all night talking about conspiracies. I'm going to end this now as I'm worried I may end up getting hunted like Will Smith in The Enemy of the State.

@adamheath

Rooney. England. Stuff...

As a disclaimer, this blog might reveal my stance on football tactics, and also might reveal my knowledge (or lack of) on such matters. So I expect some stick for it.

Yesterday on twitter I started talking about England teams and the England squad for the World Cup. I'm not sure why because I'm not really that bothered, but there are a lot of things that annoy me about the international game in this country.

When it comes to English football there seems to be a lot of emphasis on Wayne Rooney. A lot of people seem to think he's England's best player, that the team is to be built around him, and that he's the only guaranteed starter out there. Personally, I just don't see it. Rooney's just not that good.

Yesterday I posted this tweet:

With United having a game tonight, I was just going to say jokingly on twitter to keep that tweet in mind when watching them play, but I decided I'd go into a bit more detail about it in a blog instead. When Rooney plays he does exactly what I've said there. He drops deep to pick up the ball, you see him coming back past the half way line sometimes and just taking it off defenders. Then he will play the long diagonal ball out to a winger, then he will make his way to the box to try and get on the end of a cross, then he will repeat this entire process. 

When Rooney does this, he is basically rendering the midfield and the attack irrelevant. He is the attacker, so by dropping deep he weakens the attack, and by coming deep and playing the ball long to the wing he is bypassing the midfield. The thing is, if you haven't noticed United aren't actually doing that well this season, and they're taking a lot of stick for their style of play. In the game against Fulham that they drew a lot was made about how the only thing they were doing was crossing the ball. They broke the Premier League record for the amount of crosses in a game. And it's Rooney who is forcing them into this by the way he is playing! But the irony is at the end of the game the United fans say he was the only one who looked interest. So he's making them play shit football but he's the only one who's interested? He just looks interested because he's dropping deep, they see it as him being all over the pitch trying to make things happen, but if he just did the job he was supposed to do in attack there would be a lot more options open to United to play football on the floor through the middle.

United's tactics against Fulham

When it comes to England a lot has been made recently about how they are going to get them to a level where they can realistically compete for the World Cup. Plans are in place, with timescales to be met to get England to the top. Basically what happened was, someone at the FA got paid a lot of money to come up with phrases such as "playing through the thirds" and they used Trevor Brooking to say it in the press to make it legitimate. What you make of ideas like this is up to you, but I think they contradict themselves when they talk about things like this, and they say this is the way they need to get England playing football, but then they make Rooney into their star player. He doesn't play this way at all. Rooney plays football the English way, and that's why English fans like him, but that's why I often describe him as being very average. In England, a pass through the air that travels 40 yards is considered a good ball, whereas in Spain a pass that travels five yards along the ground is considered a good ball. And that's the difference.

I know where this idea of Rooney being a great player came from. When Rooney played his first ever game for England, they cut back to the studio and Gary Lineker said "I think we've found one." And that's all it is. You see, when you get a young player who clearly has talent, it's exciting. But with talented young players, it's the unknown that draws you in. The fact you don't know what they may achieve, what they may be able to do in the future that you haven't seen yet. When I watched Euro 2004 I admit Rooney excited me. He was fearless, he wanted the ball and he'd take on the opposition, and he was scoring goals to boot. I, like everyone else, was thinking this kid could become the best player in the world. But he never did. In my opinion, Rooney has never got any better than he was in 2004. He had one season with United were he scored about 30 goals, but he's never been the same player he was in 2004.

Rooney, Euro 2004

At United Alex Ferguson molded Rooney into a certain type of player. He made him a winner, I won't argue with that, but he took away that fearless desire to run with the ball and take players on that talented young players have. Manchester United under Ferguson was always built on what some might consider an old fashioned style of play, based on wingers and crosses to good finishers. They always had their Giggs or their Beckham or their Ronaldo crossing to their Sheringham or their Cole or their Van Nistelrooy. It's direct. If you look at Ronaldo, he also had that desire to run with the ball taken away from him at United. He was often construed as greedy in his younger years with them. To be fair though, the direct style of play instilled in him by Ferguson has truly helped his game at Madrid. Now he has the freedom again to take men on and run with the ball, but he also has that directness and desire to win he got from Ferguson. But Ronaldo is a more talented player than Rooney.

The English like direct football. It's all well and good talking about implementing a passing game from the back, playing through the thirds as they call it, but I don't know how they'll implement it. If you watch an England game at Wembley, if the centre backs hold on to the ball for more than a few seconds or pass it between themselves the crowd get on their back and they end up panicking and lumping it forward. This is probably down to the fact that most England fans at Wembley support lower league clubs and wouldn't know good football if Lionel Messi nutmegged them with it. You know the type, the ones who said Barca 2011 passed too much. 

None of these ever used the phrase "playing through the thirds"

The thing is, England didn't even have to implement a plan to copy the Spanish to become a good team, but they ruined the most dangerous form of England football themselves again by making an average player a star. One of the classic characteristics of English football, made famous by the likes of Sir Stanley Matthews and Sir Tom Finney, is the winger who beats the full back and gets to the byline. However, when England made David Beckham their main man they pretty much eradicated this style of play. Beckham was a great crosser of the ball, and he was a great set piece taker, but he was not a great player. People will disagree with that, but I'm sorry, David Beckham was not a great player. Like Rooney, he was very average. And what Beckham did, like I mentioned before, was cross the ball. He'd cross the ball from anywhere, and providing he had top class strikers in the box it would lead to goals. However, the old fashioned English winger wouldn't cross from anywhere, they would go past the full back then cut it back from the byline. It's a rare sight in football now, a winger getting to the byline and cutting it back, but when it happens it's one of the most dangerous forms of attack that causes panic amongst defences and almost always leads to goals. But we legitimised David Beckham's style of wing play by making him a star, and now crossing the ball is all that's required from an English winger, thus eradicating the traditional English wing play. You rarely even get wingers this days, just right midfielders. 

Sir Stanley Matthews, Sir Tom Finney and Johnny Haynes. Three players who probably wouldn't even be stars for England now because of clueless fans

Anyway, I've genuinely forgotten the purpose why I started this blog and I'm not sure I've got anywhere else to take it next, so I'm just going to leave it here. Feel free to pass this on to the FA though if you think they might be interested in what I have to say.

@adamheath

This Is Liverpool

Somehow it was allowed to happen, and a pilot episode of the dreaded This Is Liverpool was unleashed on the internet. I watched said episode last night, and whilst in the middle of an erm... constructive critique of it on twitter, I decided it would just be a lot easier for me to do a blog about it. So that is this.

Anyway, the opening of the show had some nice shots of local landmarks, but it didn't feel or look like a proper TV show. To me, it almost seemed like something made by students for a uni project. If it actually was made by students, they'd probably be better just admitting that now because they'd be cut a bit of slack if they just went sorry everyone it's not meant for telly it's just something we did for uni. Then they could go and collect their desmond and everyone would be happy. Everyone loved that Scouse GTA that was made by students and in that they blew up the Mersey Ferry, but it probably helped that they had a half naked worldy doing it like.

They just jump straight into the story on this without any background, but you can't really call it a story to be fair. One of the first things they show just blows it up as jarg straight away though. Get on this van the fella drives in it:

In a programme called This Is Liverpool, they've got to assume that a lot of people watching it are going to be from Liverpool. And straight away they go with a van that says "West Wallasey". And Everyone in Liverpool is going to know that's on the fucking Wirral. Which is not Liverpool. Not only that, but it's also a hire van. If this fellas a grafter why does he have a hire van and not his own? They lose the realism in the first scene. Well to be fair, they actually lose the realism before this, because the fella in the van overtakes the other one jogging but the one jogging still manages to get to his house before the van and be ready for work by the time the van arrives.

Scouse me lad

Tony (lad being picked up by van) has the honour of of the first one to one with the camera in This Is Liverpool, and he pretty much sets the premise for the entire show right here. Being angry with someone. Basically every little personal scene they do like this is someone being angry about someone else, and most of the time it's over nothing. Like in this bit, he's fuming with the fella who gives him a lift to work for having a go about making them late. He's giving you a lift to work you selfish twat.

In the next bit there's some more fantastic character introduction, as we get to see a man disguised as a woman getting a spray tan.

I go naked for my spray tans

This is basically shown so birds can go on about how boss it's body is. I don't get why birds buzz off that Chelsey Harwood you know, I think they see her as someone who speaks their mind or speaks for them or something, to be honest I don't even know but I genuinely just think she chats shit and is proper annoying. Even though it was funny when she said Brendan Rodgers fucked her fake fanny.

Fair play to this fella, he grasses Tony up straight away for the reason that they're late for work

But that just leads to the next question of why are they working for this girl:

I'm going to be original and be angry with someone here

Don't get me wrong I'm not saying they can't work for a bird, but some explanation as to what her job is would have been nice. All she does to set her character is make extended references to "me site" so we know it is in fact her site, but god knows why. Then Tony gets another bit of personal camera time, and this time he's angry at "our Tammy". According to This Is Liverpool, everyone in Liverpool either knows or is related to one another, but they're all angry with each other. The amount of forced conflicts in this are a joke.

Tony starts talking with his mate who picked him up, who he's angry with remember, about going the races. They must have been short on ideas for this show if on the first episode they landed on the races. If I had to pick a favourite character from this it would be Tony's mate you know, he's not angry with anyone he just takes the piss, and he called a suit a "whistle" (whistle and flute) and I love a bit of rhyme slang.

Tony tells his mate that he's never worn a suit before, and I'm not messing Tony must be about 30 

High vis, hard hat, building site. My character is salt of the earth scouser

Like I think they're trying to pass him off in this as some young apprentice kid, but I'm not buying it. Look at that picture or the one of him in his one to one with the camera and it's even more obvious that he's definitely about 30. And what I'm saying is if you're a scouser of about 30 years old and you've never had to wear a suit to work, or a job interview (or to court) you will have at least been the races once. If you haven't you're a wool.

Tammy is so angry with "our Tony" that she's off for a liquid lunch. "I'm off to get pissed." Just in the middle of the day like.

Yer wha? Gerrof me site

I'm not messing, Tammy turns up on site in her best suit, make up done, and pissed. It's okay though she's wearing a hard hat. Seriously, if this was on telly and the rest of the country was watching it they'd be thinking no wonder the government doesn't give them any fucking funding when they've got her doing the building work. Tellin ya.

The next character we meet is Tatum. Apparently Tatum is a real name. If her friends don't call her Tatum Pole they've missed a trick. This is only like three and a half minutes into the show, and I think they've already ran out of ideas, because in Tatum's personal camera time she's already angry with Chelsey and there hasn't even been an explanation why. Genuinely if you watch it everyone is just angry with everyone and that's the only point of the show.

When Chelsey gets her own little bit to the camera, she doesn't even get a name tag.

Should I admit that I've seen a photo of her fake fanny?

I think they must just expect us to know who she is, because to be fair she did get famous off just ranting on camera like this. She's angry with Tatum by the way. I've got nothing against gays or transgender people or whatever, but I do have a problem with bellends and annoying people, and if someone fits into the second category it doesn't matter if they fit into the first category as well I'll terror them.

Speaking of which... Tammy's gone for her liquid lunch, and here we meet this gay:

Wouldn't be a true reflection of Liverpool without a scouse gay though

Straight off this fella was doing me head in. Again, nothing to do with the fact he was gay, but because he had this proper annoying twitch of his eyes. Even though there is a temptation to make a gay joke when questioning how he got said twitch. 

Apparently that fella teaches hot yoga, but one of the other annoying things I've noticed about him apart from his twitch is that he has disproportionately skinny arms to the rest of him. I said on twitter when I was watching it that he looks like how I used to draw people as a kid. So as a comparison, here's how I used to draw people as a kid:

And here's him:

The resemblance is uncanny. He forgot arm day at the gym. He's not really a good advert for hot yoga to be honest. By the way, he's angry with Chelsey, and Chelsey's angry with him. I'm starting to lose track of who's angry with who. Tony's angry with his mate and Tammy. Tammy's angry with Tony. Tatum's angry with Chelsey. Chelsey's angry with Tatum and gay fella. Gay fella's angry with Chelsey. The twisting and turning sub plots in this storyline are sensational.

This bint has a rented Range Rover and she's parked it on double yellows half on the pavement:

That's all you need to know about her. To be fair at this point they do leave her pretty unexplained, even if they are going to extended lengths to present her as rich. They edit it to look as if she's got out her car and walked straight into Cricket, but I'm pretty sure where she's parked there isn't by Cricket.

Even though Tony has already been told off for being late for work, he decides it's a good idea to go to Moss on Bold Street and buy his races suit when he's meant to be in work. But that's okay, because it leads to this fantastic image. Just bask in the glory for one minute of a 30 year old fella pretending to be a kid wearing a Ralph Lauren t shirt, footy shorts and 110s. This is Liverpool:

Tammy's Converse, suit and hard hat look, all whilst we're to assume she's actually pissed, isn't bad either.

What follows now is probably the highlight of the show. If the first half set the scene for everyone being angry with each other, the second half is where they actually argue. The argument between Tammy and Tony is boss, he's not happy because she's having a go at him in front of the "workies" then she bars him off site (remember everyone, we don't know what she does but it's her site) which leads Tony to kick off like he wants a scrap opening his arms going "who the fuck are you talking to!" Then Tony gets had off by a bird. 

"I'm fucking speaking to you! Gerrof me site!"

Remember everyone, it's her site. It's proper funny then, because his mate (apparently his name's Paul by the way) takes the piss out of him for getting sacked and goes "toodaloo" then Tony goes to the camera "Who the fuck does he think he is? Toodaloo, I'll fucking toodaloo him." If that was scripted that's fucking brilliant.

This birds finished her shop in Cricket, and they're still trying to make out she's proper rich and I still don't know why. Now they're showing off her house:

Probably rented, like everything else worth a bit of money in this programme.

The next new character is "our Keely", because they all know each other or are related remember. Apparently Keely's fella is going to be a big surprise when she tells them. I proper hope they've got some jarg Z-lister in to be her fella you know. To be fair to Keely she is half decent like, they showed her driving a Jag that looked proper unnatural though, definitely rented again.

You know what I said right at the start of this about them losing the realism? Well every bar they go to is empty. That's not real at all, they could have at least got a few people in the background. 

On the next bit they're in another bar. You know how they all know each other but are angry at each other? Well that makes a perfect situation for conflict if they all go out for a bevvy together doesn't it. Again, they didn't hire any extras to make the bar look realistic, but they did get one extra, they got someone to play Chelsey Harwood's fella. He's definitely an actor, and not a very good one either. And he doesn't know she's a man, which is just the easiest way they could have taken the story isn't it. Chelsey has a fella who doesn't know she's a fella. She's met up for a drink with the skinny armed gay who she fell out with earlier in the episode, so naturally they kick off, and Chelsey's fella steps in for his "bird"

It's been suggested that if this was real life the gay fella wouldn't be squaring up to him, but I'd disagree with that. Scouse gays will kick off on anyone, they're fucking ruthless. He has got unnaturally thin arms though. His best moment of the show comes after this though, when Chelsey and her fella are leaving and he goes "see ya later lads." Thought that was quite funny myself.

Everything in this happens "the next day..." and the next day after this is the races. And you know how Tony was angry with his mate Paul? Well he's going the races with him now

Basically every character on the show is out together for the races, you see them all here in another empty bar. There's not a chance in a million years this happened on races day:

Paul getting in with his boss there

You know how I said they were going the races... well have you ever done that thing were you buy your races ticket, buy a new suit, get proper excited for it, get suited and booted... then go and watch the races on telly in an empty bar? No, me neither. That's what these lads did though, top scousers

Tony's had his eye on this bird all day, and he tells us that she'll be going home with him. Then we see him chatting to her. She's not arsed that there's a camera right there watching it all. She's going to Mallorca at the end of April for the opening parties and Tony thinks this is boss. Fuck me. In a way I'm quite glad they never went with the stereotypical Marbella shout though. Tony's only just met this bird, and he invites himself on holiday with her, he's like "I'll ask a few of the lads if they want to come like." This is a fella who's just been sacked by the way. When the bird says she's getting off Tony says he'll stay in hers and she basically just goes "oh come on then." Dear rest of the country, Liverpool girls are slags, sincerely, This Is Liverpool. Come on you can't do that to the girl it's a bit harsh like. 

That's what they finish with. Tony going to get his end away. So in three days Tony has been late for work twice, been sacked, looked forward to the races, bought a suit, not gone the races, and pulled a bird in an empty bar. And it's called This Is Liverpool.

I still think that if they hadn't of called the show "This Is Liverpool" no one would have been that arsed about it. It's just the fact that they're trying to say this is definitive of what we are. If they'd just called it "Some Kids From Liverpool" or just anything really, it probably wouldn't have got such a bad reception.

I'm surprised they got one episode out, but at the end of it we see these dreaded words:

I'm not doing another blog though

To be fair the next episode looks like it brings the entertainment. We get Chelsey's tearful confession that she's actually a man. Her fellas reaction should be priceless except he can't act. And also we get to see what seems to be some top girl on girl action. Which is sound

Were these two in the first episode?

And it looks like they do actually all go to Mallorca as well. We're only on the second episode of This Is Liverpool and already they aren't in Liverpool any more. Also, Tony has had a massive argument with Tammy, and here she is in Mallorca. Should be interesting...

Basically everything that's happening on the next episode is arguments. In all honesty this would be terrible television no matter where it was set. But to conclude I'll repeat what I've said earlier on, This Is Liverpool summed up is everyone either knows or is related to everyone and they're all angry with each other. Anyway I hope everyone enjoyed this blog because it took me ages. All the best.

@adamheath