To be honest, I've never been a big fan of the Harry Potter films just because I like the books so much. I've always had a problem with books I like being made into films, and nothing irritates me more than when things from the book are changed for the film. And like, in The Goblet of Fire, this happens right from the start. I'd let them have the opening scene as a job well done, but that's until I'm watching it and fucking Doctor Who turns up uninvited:
Barty Crouch Jr wasn't even in that scene in the book, but there he is making an appearance from the start of the film. I know for a film they have to work it differently sometimes because there's less time to tell the story, but this pisses me off straight away because it alters the whole narrative of the story, because in the book we find out about the history of Barty Crouch as it progresses, which leads to the big reveal at the end that his son is still alive. The thing is, with the Harry Potter films, because they don't have that much time to tell the story, it often feels like they're just listing the events from the book. Which is shit. If you've read the book it's okay but not as enthralling, and if you haven't I could completely understand someone turning round and saying Harry Potter is shit. Anyway, on with the story... we're up early and we're walking somewhere, no explanation as to where, but here's Amos Diggory, who we're supposed to be meeting but we're supposed to just know that cos we've read the book:
It's a bit weird that he's out in the woods on his own isn't it oh wait...
He's with Edward Cullen who's sat in a fucking tree. They've never explained that. There he is falling back to earth. What a dickhead. The way they make Cedric in film I was actually quite glad he died at the end. I should really point out the spoiler there but to be honest if you're reading this and haven't seen the film it's a bit pointless anyway.
The way they introduce new characters in this film is the same every time as well, it's always just by someone saying that's them. "There's Amos Diggory", "This strapping young man must be Cedric." Why did Arthur Weasley say that by the way? That's the weirdest thing he says in any of the films, why don't you just neck him Arthur. He loves Cedric more than he loves plugs.
Apparently, my Emma was impressed by Cedric hiding up a tree then falling out of it to surprise them. Can we just revisit it again sorry, why was he up that tree? I really don't get it. Anyway here's Hermione and Ginny looking all impressed by it:
Interesting side note, whilst this was the first film Hermione was fit, it's also the last one that Ginny and Neville were ugly. The change that came over Neville is quite disturbing, he did puberty right that kid.
For some reason now, they give us a proper unnecessary shot of the portkey looking all majestical
And how do I know it's a portkey I hear you ask, well because Harry, in a lucky coincidence, asks the question that's on the viewers' mind, "why are they all crowding round that manky old boot?" And not one of the Weasley twins, but both of them, answer his question. They always have lines together The Weasley twins, it must have been great for the actors they'd never forget their lines because the other one would just remind them. And also, the lines are hard to forget because the dialogue is pretty dreadful at times. Like that manky old boot line, who talks like that?
Why does Arthur Weasley tell them to let go of the portkey? Surely it's designed to take them to a certain place and if they let go they won't get there? They might die Arthur, Molly will be fuming. He's just a fucking prankster isn't he.
Because after they let go it just turns into a fucking nightmare for them, they all proper hit the ground at full pace whilst Arthur, who didn't even let go when he told them too, floats down like a fucking feather and has a perfect landing. Next time Arthur Weasley tells you to do something Harry I'd just do the opposite mate. Here's Robert Pattinson being Twilight (being a cunt)
Floating to earth like a fucking fairy. Arthur Weasley just made Cedric look good at the expense of his own kids. Reckon Malfoy's dad has a point about him you know. It's moments like this were I was just like "Cedric just die already will you", like in the book I don't even remember being that arsed about Cedric but in this film they made him a bellend. It doesn't help that they used Edward Cullen for the role like but still.
Smell my fingers... Kristen Stewart
Harry's far too happy getting helped up by Cedric, and Cedric hasn't even said a fucking word yet. All he's done is sit in a tree for no reason, fall out of said tree, then show he's an expert in portkey travel. And whilst Harry's being helped up you just hear someone go "total shambles as per usual" just dead randomly, cos nothing's happened to suggest it was a shambles. It's just a line from the book that's been thrown in without the necessary precursor to explain it.
Welcome to the Quidditch World Cup. That one line explains all the shit that's just gone before it. Books in film don't work! Actually, Fried Green Tomatoes worked, I'm like emotionally involved with both the film and the book of that. I weep over them.
Anyway, there's the Quidditch World Cup looking like Glasto on magic (two meanings there)
That's like another moment were, if you hadn't read the book, seeing a load of tents introduced as a World Cup you'd just be like what are you on about mate. Look there's a man juggling to emphasise how fun and different it all is
That's Arthur Weasley who's now randomly wearing a giant top hat by the way. Oh this Quidditch World Cup is so much fun. I hope that hat's FIFA approved.
Emma's impressed...
My list of ways to impress Emma Watson is steadily growing. Number 1: Hide in trees and fall out of them. Number 2: Juggle.
When I've mastered juggling whilst sat in a tree I will propose to her.
"See you later Cedric!" Can I stop you there. Are you fucking messing Fred or George? You hate Cedric. Cedric doesn't even reply to them as well, he hasn't spoke at all in this film. I wish he didn't talk in Twilight the sparkly twat. Kristen Stewart says like one word then bites her lip for like 10 minutes, what's all that about? I watched the Twilight films then read the books just so I could be in a position to fairly criticise them, and I can honestly say they're fucking dreadful. Like if something's intended for girls and I don't like it for that reason, I can accept it and still appreciate it's quality as a piece of work. Unfortunately, Twilight is not this.
Hurry up and die Cedric.
Shocked Harry is used for the anticlimactic reveal of wizard tents. The wizard tents are only explained in this book because 3 books later Harry, Ron and Hermione practically live in one for a year. Clever JK. Wizard gypsies.
Remember he lived with muggles for 11 years until one day a giant man broke down his door in the middle of the night and told him wizards were real and he was one. Seems legit. It actually does work in the book that bit, but again it doesn't transfer to the film. If you'd never read the book and were watching the first film you'd just be like nah bail it.
It was at this point I realised there's no way the whole films getting covered in this blog. But anyway, back to the action...
Harry loves magic
I have nothing to say on this, I just thought that screenshot was great and had to include it.
The Quidditch world cup final is being held in a big hole in the ground apparently
And there are wizards there from all over the world, as can be seen by the inclusion of these stereotypical African looking people
Or that might just be Kinglsey Shacklebolt, it's hard to tell the difference. Excuse the casual racism there (oh no he didn't). A big deal wasn't made about Kingsley Shacklebolt being a black Minister For Magic, because wizards are dead cool and liberal and that.
"Put it this way, if it rains, you'll be the first to know."
Lucius Malfoy's character is entirely based on class divides. He wasn't really arsed about Voldemort and evil stuff. I think he would have preferred the Tory party to be in power over Voldemort. He definitely doesn't read the Daily Prophet, he's got Daily Mail written all over him.
"Do enjoy yourself, while you can"
They proper set up the whodunnit's in this film, like JK Rowling's story wasn't good enough or something. Was it the mysterious man who might be Doctor Who that we seen at the start? Is it Lucius Malfoy? What are we even supposed to be suspicious about?
Apparently Irish wizards are very good at creating CGI leprechauns that belong back in 1998 on Windows Movie Maker
A big thank you to Fred and George here (yes they share this line as well) for letting us know that "there's Troy, Mullet, and Moran". We really need to know the names of the Irish players, when we don't even get to see the match and we never hear about them ever again. It really bugs me that we don't get to see the quidditch world cup final, it's like the biggest quidditch match that happens in Harry Potter and we don't see it, and also it's important for the character of Victor Krum. We need to see that he catches the snitch and ends the game even though he can't win, cos like, that builds his character and that.
After the game, Ron practically whips his cock out and knocks one out over Victor Krum. Meanwhile, Fred and George act like dickheads
Stop destroying the characters Mr Movie Maker. At least Harry seems happy though.
Not for long though. You know how Harry is like one of the most famous wizards in the world, and everyone loves him cos he destroyed the most evil wizard in history? Well someone decided it was okay to web him in the face and leave him for the death eaters. Fucking great that isn't it
I reckon if that was Victor Krum Ron would have stuck a finger in.
When Harry wakes up Doctor Who is back
You know I've never watched Doctor Who, so if that fella wasn't him that reference is terrible. But anyway, more interestingly than that, Trigger's there as well
He's proper fuming about the dark mark. He's dead scared by it. Unfortunately I don't share his fear, because like the Irish Leprechaun the dark mark they use in this film was fucking made on Windows Movie Maker
Terrible! Anyway, thus far the film has not created the story like the book did at all, and now the feeling of them just listing the events that happen in the book continues as they're already on the Hogwarts Express back to school.
Harry gets a boner over Cho Chang, who's buying two pumpkin pasties the fat bitch. She's Scottish and she's Chinese. Just because.
In the first film Harry buys everything off the trolley, like he has no consideration for anyone else on the train. What an absolute tit. I'm starting this new school were I'm famous and I just want to keep my head down, I shall start by buying all the food on this train so no one else can eat anything for the rest of this 5 hour trip. Malfoy had a fucking point about Harry as well.
Before they've even explained that the Triwizard tournament is taking place, there's just a fucking huge flying horse and carriage coming to Hogwarts. Again, if you hadn't read the book you'd just be like what the fuck is this shit
Then a boat comes out of the lake
Is that Johnny Depp?
Everyone at Hogwarts is proper impressed by what they've witnessed. There's so many scenes in this film that show people being impressed by magic. You wouldn't think they lived in a fucking wizard world
After all this has happened, Dumbledore then explains about the Triwizard Tournament. Like in this film version of Harry Potter, the people arriving at the school in a flying horse and carriage and a magical submarine boat were a proper surprise, yet no one even questioned what was going on. They just got all impressed by it. Weird. Anyway, this is where the film really gets stupid, when the foreigners make their entrances into the great hall. The French birds just do like this proper weird thing were they skip for a bit then stop, turn their heads to the side, and sigh. Why did they do this? It was so unnecessary.
Just stop it, now. Imagine when you were at school if you visited another school and you had to make your entrance through interpretive dance. Also, they decided to just bring one gymnast with them who's dressed like a medieval jester. Seriously, this is where the film proper lost it for me.
"You can do gymnastics. You have to dress like a twat"
Now Durmstrang arrive. They have fire sticks and they can run really fast. They also have a few gymnasts, I think that's one of the rules of making your entrance. Must be some gymnastics displayed. This ones not a bad break dancer as well
Victor Krum enters after his mates, he doesn't look happy though. I reckon they should of had him enter the great hall to Stone Cold's entrance music.
Again, they proper struggle on ways to introduce new characters. They've already overused the someone saying that persons name technique, so they go with something new to introduce Mad Eye Moody. For some reason, the ceiling just decides to go west, and Moody fixes it. I swear I fucking hate this film you know, why throw something out there like that without explaining it, like it happens in all the films or something. People question things. Well I do anyway.
It was at this point in the film were I gave up watching it, and then did this blog. To be honest I wasn't intending it to be this long but it's gone on for fucking ever and if it started off a bit humorous (probably giving it more credit than it deserves) it's just boring now. So I'm going to leave it here for now, might do a part two if I can be arsed watching the rest of the film and if anyone actually reads this. Enjoy
@adamheath
