Anyway, from the opening of the show it looked like it might be quite interesting, Chris previews some of the adventures he will be going on and it looks like it will be quite entertaining. From his opening line, he says "I love travelling". Well I'd just like to get this out the way now - bullshit! If Chris loved travelling, he wouldn't have spent half the show moaning, but we'll hear more about Chris's moaning as this blog continues. Back to this episode, and after the interesting opening sequence showing some of the journeys Chris will be going on during the series, he comes out with the line "I aim to discover how these extreme railways are built, how they're kept running, and how they change the lives of the people they connect to the outside world." Thanks for that Chris, but this isn't your dissertation, we didn't really need to know that, I just want to see the choo choos mate.
In the first episode Chris is in the Republic of Congo in Africa, he sums up the journey he'll be taking today by basically saying it'll go through the jungle. He goes the station, and this is were the complaining starts. "This train is going to be absolutely heaving" says Chris after seeing all the people at the station. Well sorry you've traveled to one of the world's poorer countries, to film a tv show about extreme railways, and they haven't laid on a private train for you. Next, the train is late, and Chris isn't happy about this at all. Forget the hundreds of Congolese people who rely on this train, Chris Tarrant, on his jollies paid for by Channel 5, for a show called Extreme Railways, has to wait around a few hours for a train. Chris tells us no ones allowed on the platform, but then he's allowed out to see what he's going on, probably because he's white and has a tv crew with him.
So here's all the Congolese locals waiting for the train...
and here's Chris after he was allowed on the platform...
Hard life isn't it mate.
Chris's moaning gets even worse after that, he even gets the head of the Congolese railway network down so he can have a go at him. Here he is, looking like a bit of a gangster:
So the poor locals who use this train all the time deal with it, but the day Chris is traveling we must get the head of railways down. Sly. I mean, fair play if Chris wants to travel on Merseyrail and his train's late, by all means get the head of Merseyrail down and have a dig, but it's a bit sly to travel to a third world country (I'm guessing they're third world, sorry if they're not) and complaining that their rail network isn't up to scratch. I'm not arsed, I'd gladly get paid by Channel 5 to travel to The Congo and wait for trains. But this isn't the last of Chris's moaning, in fact we're only about 15 minutes into an hour long show. When the train eventually arrives Chris still isn't happy...
The train is heaving, as earlier predicted by Chris, but this is all part of the extreme railways experience is it not Chris? Naturally, so what does Chris do, sit with the locals and enjoy the culture...
Nope. He goes and stands at the front of the locomotive. Bellend. Fortunately, this decision is made more entertaining for the viewer when Chris gets absolutely soaked when the train goes through a tunnel. The tunnel provides more entertainment, as Chris retires to carriages with the riff raff because "he needs some kip" (more complaining), the train only goes and breaks down. This leads Chris to ask the question "does the fun ever start?" And again I go back to the fact he's making a programme called Extreme Railways. Literally the whole time the train is stuck Chris complains, it's so annoying, whilst the local people have a little sing song to pass the time. They quite clearly should've got someone else to present this show. Also, as a side note, the woman Chris is sitting next to on the train has pink eyebrows, but they never mention this or explain why, isn't that a bit weird?
And also, as another side note, get on how mad this goat is, it proper just bails right in front of the train and lives to tell the tail:
Don't worry though, Chris is eventually rescued from this nightmare, and they reach the next station. We now get a quite a bit of informative content. Chris speaks to another head of the railway network who tells him about where they buy their locomotives from and how they're skint so they can't afford any good ones and also how all the track is ruined, and we also see the workshop where they fix the locomotives. Chris then finds a "new mate" as he describes him, who explains the signalling system they use. It was at this point where I discovered Samuel Eto'o works for the Congolese railway network...
There he is, in the bottom right hand corner. And that's not even me being racist, he's genuinely the spit of him. Nelson Mandela behind him is Chris's new mate Daniel, in case you were wondering. Interestingly, when Chris first meets Daniel, he says "you look so smart", in a rather patronising tone. That's racist. Daniel is good to Chris, he takes him on a trip down the original railway that has been closed for years on a maintenance train. It was built by the French in the 1920s when they occupied the country, and goes through the jungle. Isn't that exciting for train enthusiasts, going down an old railway line that no one has used for years through thick jungle. Of course, Chris complains. Seriously though, how fun does this look:
After spending the whole journey making mock cries for help, and talking to Daniel like he's a child (he speaks French Chris, he's not thick) we get a bit more education from Chris about the history of the railway. After this Chris decides to continue his journey, but for some reason now Daniel is going with him. Anyway, they'll now be travelling on one of Congo's new trains, the Gazelle. "The Gazelle is a luxury passenger service boasting all mod-cons" Chris tells us, and he's ecstatic when he sees they have a bar on board:
Well sorry Chris, but if that's what you wanted from this journey you should have stayed at home and took a Virgin. Anyway, the Gazelle will be taking Chris on the rest of his journey, so he's a bit happier. He even states "if this really is the future of the Congo ocean railway, I like it." Well I'm happy to hear that Chris, and I'm sure the people of Congo are. I'm sure you'll be back, using your own money to pay for the trip, to travel on the Gazelle again.
Chris is now at the end of his journey, but he tells us there's one more famous sight he still wants to see. This sight being the famous rapids of the great Congo river. However, he can't resist another moan on his way to see it, as he tells us how he was "squeezed into a dugout canoe". Looks like hell Chris...
The show ends with Chris sitting on the rocks at the side of the rapids, he's "always wanted to come here" apparently. He ends by talking about his trip a lot more positively, even though he's just spent the whole show moaning about it. If the railway hadn't been built it "would have been a great shame" for him. Hmmm...
In conclusion, I can't understand why Chris Tarrant made this programme if all he does right the way through is moan. If they would have got someone more positive, who got really involved with the trip, it would have been a lot better.
here's a link to the show if anyone wanted to watch it http://youtu.be/fxHv77QKjGs
@adamheath
